[Note: Alex Jones predicted the Second Civil War would start on 7/4/2018. Perhaps he was right. Twitter went crazy with the news. This Battle Report was circulating on the internet.]
The enemy positioned itself for a full frontal assault. Dawn’s early light revealed the red caps of the MAGA Division in the center of their lines. Behind them the dreaded White Nationalist Phalanx, spear-tipped flagpoles raised high. They had little concern for their right flank (our left flank), covered as it were with but a battalion of talking heads from Fox News. Their left flank appeared unprotected, but I noticed the pointed white hoods of the KKK brigade hiding in the bushes to their rear. An obvious trap, I thought.
I quickly dispatched orders. To our left, opposite the talking heads, a skirmish line of liberal news media. Behind them and out of sight, a full regiment of ACLU lawyers armed to the teeth with writs and restraining orders. I placed our entire Antifa Division in the center to meet their assault head on. To our right, a diversion. A thin skirmish line of unarmed BLM African American teenagers. Behind them, the Beaner Brigade formed an impenetrable wall.
The BLM teens initiated confrontation, hurling a relentless series of “yo mama” jokes at the MAGA Division. They took the bait and the entire Division pivoted to their left and charged the thin black line. The athletic teens easily evaded the charging Sunday Morning Armchair Quarterbacks and disappeared behind the Beaner Brigade.
The MAGA Division, in hot pursuit of the BLM skirmishers, ran headlong into the wall of migrant farmworkers and a massive melee ensued.
Meanwhile, in the center, things looked grim. The White Nationalist Phalanx lowered their flagpoles and advanced upon the waiting Antifa Division. Out numbered and out armed, the Antifa Division stood resolute. Then, call it fate, call it Providence, call it the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or call it just dumb luck and randomness, one of the flags in the center of the front line of the Phalanx touched the ground.
The Phalanx came to an immediate halt, and there, in the middle of the Green, held a ceremony to respectfully burn the desecrated cloth.
This gave us the break we needed. The Fox Talking Heads abandoned their posts to cover the flag-burning ceremony. Our liberal media followed hot on their heels. At that pivotal moment, I ordered the attack by the ACLU. Writs in hand, the lawyers marched forward. They easily drove off the talking heads and hit the White Nationalists in the flank. Out maneuvered by the rule of law, the morale of the Phalanx broke. The White Nationalists broke and ran for the rear.
Meanwhile the melee on our right between the Beaner Brigade and the MAGA Division raged on. The Beaner Brigade refused to give an inch and the MAGA Division couldn’t breach their wall. Thanks to an intercepted communique on Instagram, I learned that the MAGA Division had called for reinforcements: the Guard Batallion of the ICE Regiment, to deport the Beaner Brigade. I quickly dispatched the NoDAPL Cavalry to intercept ICE. The Native Americans charged off in their Mustangs to meet ICE head on.
The ACLU regiment, having cleared the center of White Nationalists, fell onto the rear of the MAGA Division. Still engaged in close-quarter combat, the MAGA troops never saw the lawyers coming. Before anyone realized what was going on, they were being served with restraining orders which put a quick end to the melee.
The battlefield secured, I rode ahead on my American-made Harley to reconnoiter the situation between NoDAPL and ICE. ICE wanted to deport the NoDAPL Natives, but couldn’t figure out where to send them. Then, in a brilliant maneuver, NoDAPL announced it would no longer abide by treaties with the United States of America – casinos were nice, but it wanted to renegotiation with Emperor Trump for a better deal. With the treaties abrogated, ICE became the foreigners on NoDAPL lands.
With both sides seeking to deport each other, I called for the ACLU Regiment to reinforce NoDAPL. But in the heat of battle, I used Craigslist instead of Facebook Messenger. My call for help had been broadcast to the world. And, to some extent, the world answered. Locals, community organizers, began to show up from all quarters in support of NoDAPL. That was too much for ICE and they departed in an organized withdrawal.
I returned to the main battlefield where mop up efforts were already underway. The center was strewn with the discarded flags of the White Nationalist Phalanx. But the worse carnage was on our right. The red of discarded MAGA hats and multi-colored protest signs of the Beaner Brigade lay together on the battlefield; casualties of combat.
The Antifa Division, frustrated over not being engaged in actual combat, took their anger out by stomping on fallen “Don’t Tread on Me” flags. The Liberal Left Wing Media and Fox News Talking Heads had retired into their respective camps, each declaring today’s confrontation a victory.
As the sun set on the Bowling Green battlefield I breathed a sigh of relief. We had won the day, but this uncivil Civil War would rage on.
Commendations to the BLM teenagers, the Beaner Brigade, and the entire ACLU Regiment. Highest commendations to NoDAPL for their bravery in confronting ICE. But I fear their tactic of abrogating treaties will take this war to a whole new level.