Hump Day, 9/11/19: Trump Declares Victory over Hurricane Dorian

In a speech meant to commemorate the events of Nine-One-One, Trump veered off course and declared a “complete, total, victory” over Hurricane Dorian. He took full credit for “saving the good people of Alabama” from the effects of the hurricane.

“I could have nuked the hurricane” he said. “Could have. But didn’t. And that would have put an end to it while it was still over the Bahamas. But I didn’t.” Trump held up his “Magic Sharpie Map.”

Trump displays the highly classified NOAA Map showing Hurricane Dorian hitting Alabama.

Trump told the sparse audience at his rain-soaked Mar-a-Lago resort where he spent the week golfing and nominating club members for federal judicialships that he alone deflected Dorian’s path. “I drew other maps, maps that are highly classified. Highly classified. Because they worked. These other maps, drawn with my magic sharpie, which you can all buy a copy of, by the way. Won’t work as good as mine. Yours won’t have my magic in them, but they will bear my official signature, which is magical, by the way. Very magical.”

“I took my sharpie…magical sharpie….and I drew a line showing Hurricane Dorian curving away from Florida, away from this beautiful spot where you are now all standing, and up the coast. And guess what….the hurricane obeyed me. It followed my map.”

A polite round of applause ensued, whereupon Trump declared “I am the Chosen One.”

This, of course, was portrayed by CN”Fake News” Network as Trump talking about trade talks with China once more. The Liberal Left refuses to acknowledge that Trump has the power to change the weather.

However, when it comes to magic, and being the Chosen One, Trump has competition from the other side of the pond.

Hump Day, 4/24/2019 edition

Breaking Gnus:

Mexico detains Americans at border crossings and other points of entry – separates children from parents.

Citing a massive influx Americans fleeing the U.S. the Mexican government instituted a policy similar to that of the United States. American citizens, claiming they are “tourists” are being detained at the border and housed in tent cities. Their children are separated from their parents and kept in “tender care” campos. Thus far there are no plans to keep track of which children are taken from which parents.

The Mexican government has issued assurances that they will give the same standard of care to these border crossers that the United States has given to individuals and families crossing from Mexico into the United States.

Young adults flying into ports of entry claiming they are on “Spring Break” are housed in youth lock-down facilities until their status can be ascertained, which could, according to government officials, take several months. “These young Americans bring in a tremendous amount of lawlessness, ranging from public drunkenness to debauchery. This must be stopped before they corrupt the youth of Mexico.” an unnamed public official said, off the record.

Trump responded in a late night tweet, threatening to increase tariffs on tourism to Mexico and institute a special duty on imports of Mexican covfefe.

Wednesday, March 13, 2019: HUMP DAY

BREAKING GNUS: TRUMP TO DECLARE NATIONAL EMERGENCY TO RESTRICT FLOW OF MELANIN TO THE UNITED STATES.

Unnamed sources within the Deep State released a bombshell that has thus far gone unnoticed by the mainstream media. Trump intends to declare a national emergency and impose severe restrictions on the flow of melanin into the United States.

“The United States is being overrun by melanin.” Trump is supposed to have declared behind closed doors. “Our current laws are inadequate to keep melanin from crossing our borders. People who bring in melanin also bring in violence, disease, and disorder. They are trying to destroy the very fabric of the American People.” Trump posted, in a now-deleted tweet.

Orders under Trump’s Melanin Emergency include barring entry at the border to individuals with excess melanin. However, this won’t apply to people with commercially enhanced melanin. Trump’s executive order will, however, impose a tax on tanning salons, lotions & creams. “The only way to regulate melanin is to tax it.” Trump is reportedly have to had said. “By taxing melanin, we can make sure only the right people have access to it.”

Trump’s emergency declaration and executive orders are planned to be the springboard for his re-election bid to “Make America White Again.”

Battle Report: The Second Battle of Bowling Green

[Note: Alex Jones predicted the Second Civil War would start on 7/4/2018. Perhaps he was right. Twitter went crazy with the news. This Battle Report was circulating on the internet.]

The enemy positioned itself for a full frontal assault. Dawn’s early light revealed the red caps of the MAGA Division in the center of their lines. Behind them the dreaded White Nationalist Phalanx, spear-tipped flagpoles raised high. They had little concern for their right flank (our left flank), covered as it were with but a battalion of talking heads from Fox News. Their left flank appeared unprotected, but I noticed the pointed white hoods of the KKK brigade hiding in the bushes to their rear. An obvious trap, I thought.

I quickly dispatched orders. To our left, opposite the talking heads, a skirmish line of liberal news media. Behind them and out of sight, a full regiment of ACLU lawyers armed to the teeth with writs and restraining orders. I placed our entire Antifa Division in the center to meet their assault head on. To our right, a diversion. A thin skirmish line of unarmed BLM African American teenagers. Behind them, the Beaner Brigade formed an impenetrable wall.

The BLM teens initiated confrontation, hurling a relentless series of “yo mama” jokes at the MAGA Division. They took the bait and the entire Division pivoted to their left and charged the thin black line. The athletic teens easily evaded the charging Sunday Morning Armchair Quarterbacks and disappeared behind the Beaner Brigade.

The MAGA Division, in hot pursuit of the BLM skirmishers, ran headlong into the wall of migrant farmworkers and a massive melee ensued.

Meanwhile, in the center, things looked grim. The White Nationalist Phalanx lowered their flagpoles and advanced upon the waiting Antifa Division. Out numbered and out armed, the Antifa Division stood resolute. Then, call it fate, call it Providence, call it the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or call it just dumb luck and randomness, one of the flags in the center of the front line of the Phalanx touched the ground.

The Phalanx came to an immediate halt, and there, in the middle of the Green, held a ceremony to respectfully burn the desecrated cloth.

This gave us the break we needed. The Fox Talking Heads abandoned their posts to cover the flag-burning ceremony. Our liberal media followed hot on their heels. At that pivotal moment, I ordered the attack by the ACLU. Writs in hand, the lawyers marched forward. They easily drove off the talking heads and hit the White Nationalists in the flank. Out maneuvered by the rule of law, the morale of the Phalanx broke. The White Nationalists broke and ran for the rear.

Meanwhile the melee on our right between the Beaner Brigade and the MAGA Division raged on. The Beaner Brigade refused to give an inch and the MAGA Division couldn’t breach their wall. Thanks to an intercepted communique on Instagram, I learned that the MAGA Division had called for reinforcements: the Guard Batallion of the ICE Regiment, to deport the Beaner Brigade. I quickly dispatched the NoDAPL Cavalry to intercept ICE. The Native Americans charged off in their Mustangs to meet ICE head on.

The ACLU regiment, having cleared the center of White Nationalists, fell onto the rear of the MAGA Division. Still engaged in close-quarter combat, the MAGA troops never saw the lawyers coming. Before anyone realized what was going on, they were being served with restraining orders which put a quick end to the melee.

The battlefield secured, I rode ahead on my American-made Harley to reconnoiter the situation between NoDAPL and ICE. ICE wanted to deport the NoDAPL Natives, but couldn’t figure out where to send them. Then, in a brilliant maneuver, NoDAPL announced it would no longer abide by treaties with the United States of America – casinos were nice, but it wanted to renegotiation with Emperor Trump for a better deal. With the treaties abrogated, ICE became the foreigners on NoDAPL lands.

With both sides seeking to deport each other, I called for the ACLU Regiment to reinforce NoDAPL. But in the heat of battle, I used Craigslist instead of Facebook Messenger. My call for help had been broadcast to the world. And, to some extent, the world answered. Locals, community organizers, began to show up from all quarters in support of NoDAPL. That was too much for ICE and they departed in an organized withdrawal.

I returned to the main battlefield where mop up efforts were already underway. The center was strewn with the discarded flags of the White Nationalist Phalanx. But the worse carnage was on our right. The red of discarded MAGA hats and multi-colored protest signs of the Beaner Brigade lay together on the battlefield; casualties of combat.

The Antifa Division, frustrated over not being engaged in actual combat, took their anger out by stomping on fallen “Don’t Tread on Me” flags. The Liberal Left Wing Media and Fox News Talking Heads had retired into their respective camps, each declaring today’s confrontation a victory.

As the sun set on the Bowling Green battlefield I breathed a sigh of relief. We had won the day, but this uncivil Civil War would rage on.

Commendations to the BLM teenagers, the Beaner Brigade, and the entire ACLU Regiment. Highest commendations to NoDAPL for their bravery in confronting ICE. But I fear their tactic of abrogating treaties will take this war to a whole new level.

Hump Day 3/8/17

Wow. Hooda thunk… all those folks who came here in the bottom of slave ships were nothing but illegal immigrants looking for a better life for themselves and their children, grandchildren, great grandchildren or God knows who of their prodigy that would finally be free of their illegal immigrant status.

Even now Bannon Trump is working on an executive order that declares all offspring of illegal immigrants to be illegal immigrants themselves. Preliminary drafts suggest Trump plans to get around the XIV Amendment by simply refusing to enforce any laws that grant such people citizenship status.

It is rumored that the executive order won’t be signed until after Trump hires 10,000 more ICE officers, as massive deportations will be pre-planned to coincide with the signing. Once the targeted individuals are out of the country, Trump plans on denying them reentry.

Unexpected opposition is expected to come from mob bosses, whose Mafioso roots trace back to Italians who immigrated “Without Papers“.

OPEN THREAD

Sunday tRump Roast – 02/26/2017

Here’s a nice tidbit the mainstream media isn’t broadcasting, as yet: Marla Maples’ divorce from Donald Trump was never finalized. That’s right. Marla and The Donald are still legally married. It appears that after all the papers were signed, new squabbles developed over Trump’s reluctance to pay alimony and divisions of property, so Marla never filed for a final decree.

What’s this mean? It means Trump’s marriage to Melania is not legally valid. This, in turn, means that she cannot be granted citizenship based on her marriage to The Donald. If so, she returns to green-card status, and, under Trump’s new immigration rules, subject to deportation.

Is Trump looking for wife #4?

 

Open Thread

The Watering Hole, 02/04/2017: Sunday tRump Roast

IN MEMORIUM

THE BOWLING GREEN MASSACRE

QUOD HIC VERUM MORITUR

This week will go down in history. Literally. The nation mourned as news of the Bowling Green Massacre spread. But it, like 9/11, provided the impetus for banning Muslims from entering the United States. Even those who had already been given permission to land here were turned away at freedom’s door.

And so a new phrase was born. Just as Remember the Alamo became a rallying cry to drive Mexicans out of Texas, Remember Bowling Green is all ready a rallying cry to drive Immigration policy. Tens of thousands of student visas are now invalid. That means those college kids are here illegally. But think about it. If “a little knowledge is a dangerous thing” a lot of knowledge is even more threatening.

Next thing you know, anyone with a college degree will be on the terrorist watch lists.

OPEN THREAD

The Watering Hole, Sunday tRump Roast 1/29/17

trump-roast-1

Consistent with his theme of putting America First, pResident tRump signed an executive order earlier this morning renaming some popular, and not so popular food items.

Brussel Sprouts will now be called American Sprouts.

French Fries have been renamed American Fries.

Italian Dressing is now American Dressing.

And Beef Wellington shall henceforeward be called Beef Trump, aka tRump Roast.

Meanwhile, staff is busy drawing new maps of Washington D.C. renaming all streets after tRump and his family.

OPEN THREAD

The Watering Hole, 1/11/17: Making America Great Again, Part 1

In reviewing the latest draft bill to repeal Obamacare, defund Planned Parenthood, cut taxes for the top 1%, shift Medicaid expenses to the States and privatize Medicare, this author came across a provision that has, as yet, to receive any attention from the mainstream media.

The bill calls for mandatory sterilization of all children born in the United States. However, parents can avoid having their children sterilized by paying a fee that reflects the costs to society for raising that child. The fee is based on the parents’ socio-economic status, and ranges from $0.00 to over $400,000.

Low income and minority parents pay the fees at the upper end, because research conclusively establishes it costs society more to raise their children. They tend to rely on Medicaid for medical expenses; food stamps to feed their children; their children attend public schools and more frequently are incarcerated. On the other hand, affluent parents’ children attend private schools, have health insurance, and have lower incarceration rates.

Since this is pushed through in a budget reconciliation bill, it cannot be filibustered. Sources close to Trump indicate he will sign the bill the minute it hits his desk.

OPEN THREAD

Breaking Gnus: Asstroid Headed for Earth

Amateur Astrologist Hugo DeGasse is credited with discovering a new asstroid earlier this month using a crude radio-telescope made from parts he bought at a Radio Shack going-out-of-business sale.

NASA confirmed the sighting and explained the reason why it escaped their detection. This asstroid is unusual, a NASA spokesperson explained, in that it is made up entirely of frozen methane. While NASA’s equipment was geared for picking up the spectral signature of water-based comets and mineral-based asstroids, Hugo’s crude telescope was fortunately capable of detecting only methane-based objects in the night sky, which made locating this asstroid quite easy for him.

The asstroid is on course to arrive in the Earth’s atmosphere in early November. Current computer-based trajectories indicate it will be a near-miss as it penetrates the atmosphere somewhere over the western Atlantic Ocean in the northern hemisphere. From there it will pass over the eastern seaboard of the United States, cross the Appalachians and burn up in the atmosphere in a bright blue explosion somewhere over the Midwest. Although the asstroid is not expected to cause injuries, NASA scientists warn that people with breathing problems should remain indoors as the object passes overhead, as unburnt methane would likely leave a stench that will last for at least a day.

The asstroid has already been named Hugo DeGasse, after the man who first spotted the now-identified flying object.

TWH 6/22/16 RNC Sues Trump for Hijacking its Base

morning after camel

What, me worry?

With less than four weeks to the Republican National Convention and more and more establishment Republicans jumping ship, the RNC took the unusual step of suing its presumed nominee – – for hijacking the Republican base. The Republican Party invested hundreds of millions of dollars cultivating a base of voters whom it could rely upon in election after election, ever since they embraced the “Dixiecrats” in the 60s. Hate radio and the Christian Coalition groomed this potent block of voters. Gerrymandering insured this small but reliable base would elect establishment Republicans at every level of government. Then Trump came along and, like the pie-eyed piper, swept them away from the establishment candidates. The ones like Ted Cruz, whose evangelical Christian values were primed to put him into the Whitehouse.

Indeed, in the days before the RNC filed its lawsuit, those in the Cruz camp were trying to muster enough votes to change the rules – – to allow delegates to break from Trump if voting for him violates their moral or religious beliefs. However, such a move would be sure to pit “family values” Christians against misogynist, racist, xenophobic Christians, further fracturing the Republican base.

The lawsuit, filed in the United States District Court Northern District of Ohio that includes Cleveland, Ohio in its jurisdictional boundaries, seeks a writ of mandate, or, in the alternative, a restraining order that would strip Trump of all of his elected delegates. Should it succeed, the Republican Convention would be wide open. The Republican Party could even nominate someone who never participated in the primaries.

When asked about the lawsuit, Trump seemed to be taken off-guard.

“They’re suing me?” he asked. “The Republican Party is suing the most winningest candidate ever? Well, I can tell you this. I’m gonna sue them! I’m gonna sue them like they’ve never been sued before. I’m gonna sue them so hard and so fast they’ll be begging to drop their lawsuit. And then I’m gonna sue them for suing me. I know lawsuits, and believe me, this is gonna be one doozy of a lawsuit. And I’m gonna win. Because that’s what I do. I win. I’m gonna sue and I’m gonna win. And it’s gonna be a big win. A huge win. This win will make all other wins seem like losses in comparison, it’s gonna be that big of a win. And I’m gonna make the Republican Party pay for this win, it’s gonna be that big.”

Meanwhile, Sarah Palin was seen packing up her Constitution and Flag-wrapped RV and heading for Cleveland.

OPEN THREAD

TWH, May the Fourth (be with you) 2016. Open Letter to the Ruling Class

An Open Letter to The Ruling Class from We The People

Dear Ruling Class:

  • We The People are tired of running this country. We don’t want the responsibility that goes with being a voting member of a democratic republic. Please take away our right to vote.
  • We the People are tired of thinking. Thinking takes too much effort. Please tell us what we need to know in as few words as possible. Three word phrases are great. Nice and catchy. Easy to remember. Short and sweet.
  • We the People are tired of caring. We’re emotionally burnt out. Whether it’s abandoned puppies in animal shelters or polar bears starving in the Artic because of something that’s going on that takes too much thought to figure out – enough already. We get it. We’re supposed to care for these helpless creatures. But we can barely afford to feed our family and pay our rent. We just don’t have the emotional reserves to care about anything anymore.
  • We the People are tired of deciding what’s best for us. We want you to decide for us on some of the most basic decisions, especially when it comes to being pregnant. We want you to make the decision on whether our women should have the option of having an abortion or having an unwanted child. We want you to decide whether we should have access to birth control. Or even if we should know about birth control in the first place. That’s just too much responsibility for us.
  • We the People are tired of having our jobs shipped overseas. We want you to abolish the minimum wage, so that we may compete with workers in other countries on an equal footing. We know that in a competitive market, the lowest price gets the business and with the minimum wage, We the People cannot work for the lowest price.
  • We the People are tired of public education. Our kids complain about homework and testing all the time. Frankly, we’re tired of our children whining. Please take mandatory schooling laws off the books so we don’t have to send our kids to school any more. We’re tired of Back to School Night, of Science Fairs, and endless fundraising. Since public schools are failing, We the People are tired of wasting our tax money on them. Parents that want their kids to receive an education should pay for it out of their own pockets. Unless they send their children to a Christian School. In that case, we want our government to pay for it. It’s only fair, because we are a Christian Nation.
  • We the People are tired of hearing about things we can’t control. Things like the climate. Or safe drinking water. Or breathable air. Or safe food. We know you control the media, so please stop telling us we can’t drink the water or breath the air or eat certain foods. Time after time we have voted against GMO labeling. What part of “We don’t want to know” do you not understand?

We know that what is best for you is best for us, for you have told us so. And so we give you everything you want, and in return, you keep us safe from terrorists and gays and transgendered people using our bathrooms.

Oh, and thank you for repealing the assault weapons ban. We the People sleep soundly at night, comforted in the thought that we have more guns per person that any other civilized country on Earth. Just in case we need to kill an intruder. Or rise up in rebellion against a government that takes away our freedumbs.

OPEN THREAD

TWH, 04/27/2016: DC Circuit Court Upholds Deportation Law

A little noticed provision slipped into the latest military funding authorization bill survived judicial scrutiny last week. While the provision only affects residents of Washington D.C. it could have ramifications nationwide.

 

The anti-immigration provision was allegedly added by Mitch McConnell in an effort to appease the Tea Party caucus. It reads, simply enough, “All non-native people residing within the boundaries of Washington, District of Columbia, shall be deported to their country of origin.”

 

A legal challenge to the provision went before the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals where it was upheld. The Court noted Congress had the power to make laws affecting Washington D.C. The Court further ruled that the language “non-native” was not ambiguous – that the statute applied to any individual whose ancestry did not include the indigenous peoples of the North American Continent before the arrival of peoples of European descent. The Court also interpreted “residing” to mean individuals with permanent, seasonal, or temporary residence within the District of Columbia, and excluding those who visit, staying in the nation’s capital two weeks or less in any given year.

 

With its ruling, the temporary stay on enforcement will expire in 30 days, barring intervention by the Supreme Court. Given the 4 – 4 split on the Supreme Court, it is highly unlikely the matter will be taken up for review. By the end of May, 2016, virtually all Senators and Representatives will be deported back to their ancestor’s country of origin.

OPEN THREAD

The Watering Hole, Monday, April 11, 2016: I’d Vote For This One

This ad has no demonizing, no demon sheep, no end-of-days predictions if the other candidate wins, and it’s not set to “Il Fortuna.” What’s not to like? One thing’s for sure, I’d vote for the “Generic” candidate over Trump or Cruz any day!

 

~~~~~~~

This is our daily Open Thread–go ahead, open up a discussion.

TWH. 3/30/16 another wall?

The Zoo Exclusive!

The Zoo recently learned that Canada’s Prime Minister Trudeau has been secretly planning to build a wall between Canada and the U.S.

According to our sources, the influx of Americans fleeing the U.S. should Trump get elected will exceed Canada’s capacity to welcome all foreigners with welcome arms, Maple leafs and hockey pucks.

The proposed wall will be situated along the border between Washington State and Canada, to keep western liberals from migrating northward. Trudeau’s advisors feel the Great Lakes and the St. Lawrence River will provide enough of a deterrent to east coast liberals.

Trudeau expects Trump to pay for the wall. “That will be easy” one advisor said, “We’ll just tell Trump that Canada is like Mexico North, and the country on the south side of the wall has to pay for the wall.”

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The Watering Hole; Friday March 18 2016; Zoo Primary: VOTE HERE!

In the spirit of the moment, it occurred to me that we here at The Zoo should most definitely do as does the rest of the nation this year and hold a presidential primary election. In the interest of intellect, however, it seems a bit of a waste to repeat the insanity we’ve already witnessed, esp. in re the Republican race which has featured, as its candidates, mostly humans, practically all of whom have shown themselves to be grossly incompetent, ergo most surely inadequate. Why is it that we the people are expected to stand in line to select from a panoply of critters who offer us nothing but egregious failure in exchange for our vote of support?

Seems to me that some significant changes are in order.

With all of that in mind, I’ve chosen a different ballot presentation for the various candidates. Rather than a written name which basically tells the voter nothing of substance, the ballot below consists solely of PHOTOS! — a far superior setup given that the average voter will instantly recognize the entire agenda of each of the several candidates. I have assigned each candidate a number to further simplify the process. Note: in the interest of simplicity, I’ve placed each candidate’s number above its respective photograph.

So here you go! Select our next Fearless Leader!

▼NUMBER 1▼

C.sculpturatus pos

▼NUMBER 2▼

0722-Pollinating beetle, yellow thistle

▼NUMBER 3▼

Bee in White Rose 367

▼NUMBER 4▼

1018-Cicada-0537a

▼NUMBER 5▼

▼NUMBER 6▼

TRDump

So there you have it! Simply select the number of the candidate you find most suitable, and we’ll take it from there!

BTW and in the interest of openness, my own selection is NUMBER 1!

OPEN THREAD

TWH 03/16/16 New Obama Conspiracy Revealed!

Mole

Guaca, The Zoo’s underground reporter digs up a new exclusive.

 

According to anonymous sources within the Democratic Party, there’s a conspiracy afoot to deny the nomination to both Hillary and Bernie and nominate Obama for a third term. Polling seems to indicate that neither candidate will garner enough delegates to win the nomination outright, which means superdelegates will control the outcome. A conspiracy amongst the superdelagates would guarantee neither gets enough votes on the first round to lock up the nomination, thus throwing the convention into a brokered nomination, out of which Obama will get the nod.

Officials high up in the White House figured out a way around the Constitution’s prohibition against 3rd terms. It seems that in the course of adopting certain amendments, like abolishing slavery and allowing people to vote regardless of the color of their skin, no one bothered to repeal the language that counted black people as 3/5ths of a person.

Since Obama is only 3/5ths of a person (or 60%, for you math wizards out there), by the end of his 8 years in office, he will only really have completed 4.8 years (or 60% of 8 years, for the math wizards). Since Obama hasn’t completed two full terms in office, he would be eligible for a third term.

OPEN THREAD 

The Watering Hole; Thursday February 25 2016; Guantanamo SOLUTION!

GOP Rep: ‘I Don’t Know’ If Military Would Follow Orders To Close Gitmo

I know how to make it happen!

President Obama is being raked over the Republican coals yet one more time, and all because he has once again suggested that the Guantanamo Detention Center (or whatever the hell it’s called) be permanently and forever closed, that the prisoners held there be (finally) treated as if law, and fair trial, and innocence, and guilt each and all mean something in this country. Republicans, of course, have freaked out over the concept — “We’ll all be dead!!!” they scream. “Terrorists! Muslims! Oh Ick!! Leave ’em there!!”

I have a better idea.

I heard on the news somewhere that it costs us about $5 million per terrorist per year to keep those nasty bums incarcerated down there in Guantanamo. And since Republicans want to keep Guantanamo open for the foreseeable future, we can count on that expense to continue — for the foreseeable. So in view of that, I offer my suggestions — solutions! — to the Guantanamo mess; SOLUTIONS to those who would benefit most, i.e. to Congressional Republicans along with Republican Presidential candidates everywhere.

My proposed five-step procedure is a simple one:

  1. Set up an (offshore/tax free) account for each of the incarcerees in the amount of $5 million U.S., and guarantee an additional annual (tax free) deposit of $5 million per year for each of them, for the foreseeable.
  2. Via official paperwork, grant each and every incarceree an American name, full identity papers,  and full citizenship (including, of course the right to keep and bear arms) with but one proviso: no passport can be issued for the foreseeable; i.e. each incarceree must agree to live the rest of his life as if he was born a rich Republican, and he must do so with nary a complaint about anything, EVER!
  3. Set up each incarceree (and his family, if he so desires) in a beach-front home/property anywhere along the Atlantic coast (south of the Mason-Dixon line) or anywhere along the Gulf of Mexico coast from S. Florida to S. Texas, each property to be fully paid for with funds that would otherwise be wasted on toilet seats by the Defense Department.
  4. Allow each incarceree (and all of his age-eligible family members) to register to vote in whichever state they choose to live, with but one proviso: each and all MUST swear to ALWAYS vote Republican in EVERY election, ando NEVER for a Democrat or an Independent, upon guarantee of torture via waterboarding or whatever method is in vogue at the time of any such treasonous indiscretion.
  5. Allow Republicans to proclaim and insist full credit for having solved the Guantanamo issue by ignoring Obama’s ridiculous and anti-American proposals of allowing the law and the Constitution to waste even more money on trials; by strengthening America all-the-while increasing the number of Republican-voting devotees in the process.

It’s so simple!!!

I do hereby offer the above details of this full procedure proposal to the RNC, to the respective Senate and House majorities, and to any/all of their current (or future?) Presidential candidates, and all with NO CHARGE! today or forever! My gift to a free, and prosperous, and TOLERANT! America! So Reince! Mitch! Paul! Donald! Anyone! It’s right here, and it’s for YOU and for the 91! FREEDOM!

What could possibly go wrong?

******

OPEN THREAD

 

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, 02/03/2016: New ObamaCare Law Takes Effect in 2016

A little known provision of the Affordable Care Act, or ObamaCare as it is more popularly called, took effect on January 1, 2016. This provision puts breastmilk under the auspices of the Food and Drug Administration. The FDA, working under a total media blackout, rolled out the implementation of this aspect of ObamaCare earlier this month.

Under the newly implemented provisions of ObamaCare, all mothers who indicate they plan to nurse their newborns must register with the federal government. Following registration, they are required to submit samples of their breastmilk for testing on a weekly basis. Their milk will be tested for drugs, alcohol and the presence of garlic.

A positive test for illicit drugs will result in a warrant for the mother’s arrest. A positive test for alcohol will result in a referral to child protective services. If the mother’s breastmilk tests positive for the presence of garlic, a government breastmilk taste tester will be assigned to visit the mother and taste-test her milk. The mother will not be allowed to use a breast pump or otherwise express her milk for the breastmilk taste tester as exposing the breastmilk to air affects its taste.

Mothers whose milk tastes positive for garlic will be issued a warning. Subsequent violations will result in a court-order enjoining them from breast feeding until at least two successive garlic-free tests. Refusal to submit to the taste-test is punishable with a $500 fine and a ban on nursing until consent to submit to the taste test is granted.

Government records regarding the implementation of this aspect of ObamaCare remain sealed. It is impossible to tell how many nursing mothers have been arrested or have had their newborns taken away by child protective services as a result of this new law.

Likewise, the government is silent as to how often it has sent out its breastmilk taste testers. However, a spokesperson for the FDA, who spoke on condition of anonymity, assured that the taste testers have all undergone a rigorous 6-month training program to learn proper suckling techniques as well as to distinguish between the presence of garlic as compared to onion or other herbs or spices in breastmilk.

This is our OPEN THREAD. Feel free to comment on this, or any other outrage you can think of.

 

The Watering Hole; Friday January 8 2016; Constitutional Convention, Anyone?

“One of the things I’m going to do on my first day in office: I will
announce that I am a supporter, and as president I will put the weight
of the presidency behind a constitutional convention of the states so
we can pass term limits on members of Congress
and the Supreme Court and so we can pass
a balanced budget amendment.”
(Marco Rubio)

Article V. of the United States Constitution states, in part:

The Congress, whenever two thirds of both Houses shall deem it necessary, shall propose Amendments to this Constitution, or, on the Application of the Legislatures of two thirds of the several States, shall call a Convention for proposing Amendments, which, in either Case, shall be valid to all Intents and Purposes, as Part of this Constitution, when ratified by the Legislatures of three fourths of the several States . . .

There is one huge problem associated with any call for a Constitutional Convention, and it’s a simple one: in a Convention, the entire body of the Constitution is subject to review and can be altered and changed. The more traditional route to Constitutional modification has been via the amendment process, a process which essentially allows one change at a time, and is therefore subject to a great deal of detail-focused scrutiny. It’s highly unlikely that the same could ever be said concerning a Convention — and that moot point is, in itself, very likely a foundational reason as to why such a convention has never yet been called.

Times have changed, however, particularly in regards to the fact that the notion of calling for a Constitutional Convention has now been urged not only by Marco Rubio, but also by, among others, the Koch Brothers’ ALEC organization as well as by wingnut talk radio goombah Mark Levin who, in his book  The Liberty Amendments provides a proposed amendment list, including:

1. Term limits, including for justices.
2. Repealing Amendment 17 and returning the election of senators to state legislatures
3. A congressional supermajority to override Supreme Court decisions….
4. Spending limit based on GDP
5. Taxation capped at 15%
6. Limiting the commerce clause, and strengthening private property rights
7. Power of states to override a federal statute by a three-fifths vote.

Other right wing amendment proposals include

* A redefinition of the General Welfare Clause (the original view was the federal government could not spend money on any topic within the jurisdiction of the states)…

* A prohibition of using international treaties and law to govern the domestic law of the United States

* A limitation on using Executive Orders and federal regulations to enact laws (since Congress is supposed to be the exclusive agency to enact laws)…

* Requiring the sunset of all existing federal taxes and a super-majority vote to replace them with new, fairer taxes

A moment’s ponder of those mere eleven goals strongly suggests that the primary goal of all those who today are calling for a Constitutional Convention is a simple one, i.e. to, in effect, destroy everything good and vital the United States has accomplished  over the last two-and-a-half centuries and has, in result, come to represent both at home and in the world. Given the players in the convention game, it’s not much of a trick to imagine their ultimate goal is to instead convert the country into what could perhaps reasonably be called, say, a Feudal Christian Caliphate, a national entity designed to serve only the needs of the few — the oligarchs and the theocrats — and never the needs of the many, of ‘We the people.’ National well-being will not be the goal;  the goal will, instead, become the directed acquisition and distribution of wealth and power to only the few.

Should that indeed become the case — if a Constitutional Convention is called, i.o.w. — I do herein and hereby volunteer my verbal skills AND assistance to at least the front end of the plutocratic theocracy’s constitutional rewrite project by submitting this slight but generous modification of the 1787 Constitution’s Preamble, written so as to suit the needs and goals of potential beneficiaries everywhere:

We the people of the United States, in order to form
a more perfect union,
establish justice,
insure domestic tranquility,
provide for the common defense,
promote the general welfare,
and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity,
the FEUDAL CHRISTIAN CALIPHATE of our dreams
do ordain and establish
this here rewrite of the
Constitution for the United States of America.

Yee Haw.

There is no charge.

P.S. See also: Marco Rubio’s Plan To Lock Tea Party Policies In Place Permanently

OPEN THREAD

Breaking Gnus: Obama sends Marines to Liberate Federal Building Taken Over by Unlawful Alien Enemy Combatants.

The Zoo has learned that President Obama issued a command to the 1st Marine Corps to recapture a Federal Building over-run by enemy combatants. The combatants, 150 or so, are presumed to be heavily armed and claim to be sovereign citizens, not citizens of the United States.

Under the broad mandate given him by Congress’ Authorization to Use Military Force against all who take up arms against the United States, President Obama has declared these invaders to be unlawful alien enemy combatants. The survivors of the impending Marine assault will be rounded up and incarcerated in Guantanamo. It is unlikely that charges will ever be filed, meaning they will remain in Guantanamo for the rest of their lives with no right to a hearing or trial.

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, November 4, 2015. Anonymous says the leak by an anonymous person claiming to be Anonymous wasn’t Anonymous, and other gnus.

Remember, remember, the fifth of November….

Anonymous announced it would release the names of thousands of members of the KKK. But some anonymous person beat them to it, releasing thousands of names a few days ago. But they weren’t Anonymous’ names, and, in all likelihood, they weren’t members of the KKK either. True to their adopted avatar, Anonymous chose the 5th of November to, in all likelihood, destroy more than a few political careers. Bear in mind, however, that membership in the KKK might actually raise the polling numbers of some elected officials.

Next, The Zoo has another exclusive. Notice how relaxed President Obama is, now that campaign season is in full swing and the Republican Party is showing cannibalistic tendencies? Well, we at The Zoo recently uncovered his plans for his last few days in office.

Traditionally, outgoing Presidents use their pardon authority to pay back political favors by releasing certain people from prison. President Obama will be no exception. According to carefully reconstructed papers from the White House Shredder, Obama will issue pardons to everyone of African American descent, and restore full voting rights, as well as the right to bear arms. This move will likely bankrupt for-profit prisons, who rely on large numbers of African Americans convicted of non violent crimes to manufacture their goods at slave wages. Yes, literally slave wages.

Obama’s DoJ is planning to raid polling places the eve of the 2016 presidential election and confiscate all electronic voting machines. This will force precincts all across the nation to switch to paper ballots at the last minute.

And finally, Republicans have settled on a format for their next debate. In an effort to appease the voters in Iowa, the next debate will be held in a pig pen and the candidates, dressed in their skivvies, will wrestle each other until there is only one left standing. Advance tickets to the event are already sold out.

OPEN THREAD.

The Watering Hole, Wednesday, October 28, 2015: U.S. Supreme Court rules on the constitutionality of the Ten Commandments

So many folks claim the U.S. Constitution is based on the Bible that I thought I’d check it out. Using “The Google” and other advanced research tools, I discovered a rare unpublished U.S. Supreme Court decision, Roe v. McCarthy (1958) 357 U.S. 579, that examined the constitutionality of the Ten Commandments.

In this case, Roe, an unnamed Godless heathen atheist suspected of ties to the Communist Party challenged a subpoena issued by McCarthy’s Communist witch-hunt committee. The Supreme Court largely sided with Roe. Fortunately for McCarthy, he died about a year and a half before the decision was handed down.

Here’s a brief synopsis of the Supreme Court’s holdings. Continue reading